One Liners

 

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 

A fool and his money are soon partying.

 

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

 

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

 

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're a bloody idiot.

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

 

All right, who stopped payment on my reality cheque?

 

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

 

Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things.

 

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

Did you ever wonder why psychics have to ask your name?

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming hysterically

like the passengers in his car.

 

Often, when reading a good book, I stop to thank my favorite teacher. Well I

did till he got an unlisted number.

 

A horse walks into a saloon and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

 

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